Tuesday, November 23, 2010

El Carajo

http://section802.net/lyrics_music.htm

I guess I don’t believe in what you could call karma, but I can’t rule out the possibility. They say what goes around, comes around, but that’s not what this world has made so evident to me. Observe and see there’s no strict philosophy and who can say they got what they deserved? Fair is just a playground full of carnies and rides. It’s not a tangible idea, it’s just a pocket draining prize and you can hope for justice, you can pray for piece, but I’ll bank on disappointment and wait for disability. I’ve got a choice not a destiny and that sounds just about right to me. Are we just leaky boats out on the sea, doomed to seek tranquility. I don’t want it. You can’t have it. I don’t love you cuz I don’t know you, but I’ll respect you while you neglect me. You can kill me, but you can’t resurrect me. Now the last I checked, it was mutual respect that kept the handshakes high and the expectations low. And that’s the preference to me, a form of solidarity. That’ll keep our heads and feet on solid ground.

Thank you Section 802

Sunday, November 21, 2010

wrong. no, right.

I dont know if its the day, or what I drank yesterday. maybe is just the way I think of you often, or maybe is just the often emptiness of my stomach specially when I don't see you. I got myself confused, confused in many ways with life. I feel empty; and I wish I knew the reason. I wish I knew how to understand life. I wish I understand everything around me and how things work. emotions. because I don't see it.  why do I question my feelings so much. and what's the point of liking somebody. I wish I didn't change my mind often. I wish I didn't have to think whats wrong or right, because certainly really, whats wrong? whats right?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

not the best idea....

I THINK I WILL REGRET THIS FOREVER


KARMA YOU ARE WELCOME TO COME FOR ME NOW, I AM READY.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

AHHH!

FUCKKK YOU PANDORA!!!

YOU LEFT ME AND NOW I AM ALONE! WHY DID U END?! WHYY?!


:((((((((((((((((((((((

crying

There is nothing more annoying and frustrating that seen my little sister cry. It really breaks my heart and bothers me the most.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

This is perfect for you.

Such a mind block lately, I've come to realize that my lazyness is getting on the way of my everyday tasks. I drank coffee so I can stay awake and away from facebook, it is addictive, sort of like you are not on it but keep the window open so you check  it constantly. "oh wow I have a new wall post," click, " dam let me post a new picture." click, "STOP!" Sometimes I think to myself ERASE! but as soon as I am about to click the erase button, I realize I will probably get another one the next day. Anyways, the social network. Sunday I spent sometime with an old friend, I felt that I left many close friendships behind, and its crazy to think this would ever happen, knowing the fact that months ago I would spent many days of my week enjoying the sun and driving around with my friend not knowing what to do, driving around seemed perfect at the time; smoking one after one. We talked about movies, old friends, toys, pretty much everything we can think of, and for awhile we forgot that we havent seen each other for many months. We went to the movies and watched Easy A and The Social Network. TSN was good, alot of geek talk; consider that Mark Zuckerberg comes from Harvard. However, the movie lack something, this is the type of movie that when it finishes you think of NOTHING. I think that in this film they are trying to sound so smart that the characters don't express emotion what so ever, the lack of emotion keeps me from loving this film. ITS A GOOD FILM BUT NOT A GREAT ONE. Going back to my friends house I realized all the toys he had, almost a dream come true for a kid, lie, a dream come true for myself! I watched 500 days of summer for the second time, and realized how much I love this movie, or how I love the fact that for once this is a story about a boy's love  rather than the cliche women's happy ending stories.

Tom: What happened? Why - why didn't they work out?
Summer: What always happens. Life.

South America according to the USA

Ironic

I hate tomatos but love ketchup.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

thinking hurts

Lately I don't feel like writing here, so I been doing it on my journal. technology and me don't match.

"She's glad he's sleeping because she needs to think. She needs to think, and it's like she can't even remember how, too strung out on emotion and confusion and the stomach-churning sensation of sleep deprivation. Her eyes burn with sleeplessness"

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Something that needs nothing.

There was no way I could ever be in love with him because he was just as pathetic as me.

It was romance

“I walked down the hall and saw that Theresa was sitting on the floor next to a chair. This is always a bad sign. It’s a slippery slope, and it’s best just to set in chairs, to eat when hungry, to sleep and rise and work. But we have all been there. Chairs are for people, and you’re not sure if you are one.”

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Paint

I am going to pretend it was a good day, even if it wasn't, but it was at some extend. I woke up in a really good mood. School was great; I had sociology class, which I thought to be boring at the beginning ( I had a test the first class) but now I seem to love it and understand it. I expressed myself to the teacher on my opinion in giving heroin addicts clean needles to keep a clean drug use, which its a big issue, because when giving it, you are pretty much telling them to keep doing it, but then if you don't they will still use it, and share needles which will spread HIV etc etc... well I had an awesome time in class, also in my journalism class Laura Morel came to talk about her career as a journalist, and student in Emerson University. On the way home, I felt like eating KFC which I haven't in the longest, and which tasted horrible, and that is when I suddenly realized it wasn't that much of a good day, don't get me wrong, the KFC doesnt have anything to do with it.  But... it was last night, when we got into an argument, and we ended it. You see..... sometimes I try not to think about this things, I try not to feel bad. Its impossible, the more you tell your mind to stop thinking about it the more you think about it. I try to be blank. "what are you thinking??"..." nothing, I am blank"...        " that's impossible, you can't be blank"...... you told me this once. Sometimes there is no point in talking to you, all you do is get mad, and leave.  I wish you could hear me once instead of just being mad.


It is terrible to have to ask for anything ever. We wish we were something that needed nothing, like paint. But even paint needs repainting.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Sometimes I rather be alone.

I wonder why we need people to be around us, when most of the time they hurt us. I am mistaken, I hurt myself.
We do things because people we love or we don't. Its so pathetic when you are nice to someone and they treat you bad, or when you try to help and they just don't appreciate it. Sometimes I rather be alone. I hate how with an "I love you" they think everything is fine,and is not. There is so much more than words. I am even tired of saying I love you, because even sometimes I dont mean it, I just say it because maybe at the time is right to say it.. but... I am wrong is not right to say things that you don't mean. Really, I won't say I love you anymore, at least when I don't mean it.   

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Miranda July

I love her writing. I think I love her.
"We don't have intercourse anymore. I'm not complaining, it's my own fault. I lie there beside him and try to send signals to my vagina, but it's like trying to get cable channels on a Tv that doesn't have cable. My mind requests sex, but my vagina is just waiting for the next time it has to pee. It thinks its whole job in life is to pee."


 No one belongs here more than you.





  

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Second star to the right and straight on till morning.

PETER PAN

Wendy: Peter, what are your real feelings?

Peter: Feelings? 

Wendy: What do you feel? 

Wendy: Happiness? Sadness? Jealousy?  

Peter: Jealousy? Tink!

Wendy: Anger?

Peter: Anger. Hook.

Wendy: Love?

Peter: Love?

Wendy: Love.

Peter: I have never heard of it.

Wendy: I think you have, Peter. And I daresay you’ve felt it yourself. For something… or… someone?

Peter: Never. Even the sound of it offends me.
[Wendy tries to touch his face, and he jumps away]

Peter: Why do you have to spoil everything? We have fun, don’t we? I taught you to fly and to fight. What more could there be?

Wendy: There is so much more.
 

Peter: What? What else is there? 

Wendy: I don't know. I guess it becomes clearer when you grow up.

Peter: Well, I will not grow up. You cannot make me!

I feel this way sometimes.

Monday, August 23, 2010

changing your mind.


I change my mind quite often. Today I changed my mind about twice. I guess I am insecure about how I feel, and on the search for a better option I just confused myself with all these thoughts. Well I am going to be positive about tomorrow, first day of fall semester.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Saturday of love

I love the memory of Saturday, and I hope it stays with me forever. As to feel skin with skin, never thought showers could be so fun.

A friend showed me this song today, and I liked it                                                       http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw5hkqTiAPI

Its sunday and I have a sunday feeling, but nothing could feel as infinite.

Friday, August 20, 2010

como la mariposa...

Don't you hate when everything is going perfect, and all of a sudden something brings you down? this is the kind of day when you decide, "I don't want to live anymore". I had so many days like this, where I can't say no more, because the pain is so intense that all I am thinking is, " I live on a shit hole, and I can't get out". But then there is something that tells you, "Stop, your problem won't be solve if you kill yourself", and that's when you dont give a fuck, and say " fuck you, I don't deserve to live, I can't take it no more." Then while you are about to take some pills, or cut your wrists, you noticed how stupid and childish you are acting for a simple problem you have."Great, I just made a complete fool of myself!"  then the person you love the most tells you to stop being depressed, and screams at you, when you keep saying "you dont get it", and well obviously you don't get it because you've never been there! but you remember about "la mariposa" as to say happiness. Happiness comes in moments, is something temporary and something you can't hold on to, just like a butterfly, you can't keep her for too long because she will die. Butterflies can live from a week to a year long. They go to stages such as egg, larva, and adult. When they reach the adult stage, I see it as a way of nirvana, when you are in total peace. My point is, I believe they are meant to live for a short period of time because they mean happiness,they got to their stage of total peace. You can't keep them, otherwise they will die sooner than expected. Its a matter of keep her and she will die soon, or let her go and will live for another week. The solution is to only live the moment, because nothing is forever, and when I mean nothing I mean something.

PS: maybe I am talking shit but this just made me smile and feel better about myself.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Te amo pero soy feliz sin ti, by Jaime Jaramillo.

http://rinconparasolteros.blogspot.com/2008/08/te-amo-pero-soy-feliz-sin-ti.html
La mayoria de nosotros vivimos inconscientes y dormidos, pero no lo sabemos. Por ello, creemos que el apego es algo natural con lo que nacemos, sin entender que es creado por la mente, se nutre del miendo y es culpable, en gran parte, de nuestros dolores y sufrimientos. Por eso cuando depositamos la felicidad en manos de nuestros seres queridos o de las cosas materiales y alguno de ellos o esas cosas desaparecen o amenazan con hacerlo, sentimos miedo y un gran vacio interior, perdemos nuestro sentido de vida, nuestra realidad y como si fuera poco, parte de nuestra personalidad.

A veces pasa que una persona es muy especial para ti pero no tú para ella… Y no sólo estoy hablando de parejas y estas cosas, esto pasa a todos las personales. ¿Nunca les ha pasado que consideraban a alguien muy importante para ustedes y descubren (o sabén) que la otra persona no les tiene la misma consideración?

Duele, ¿verdad?

Y cuando tienes algo y sientes que ese algo va desapareciendo… se va reduciendo, sientes que vas perdiendo a la otra persona sin poder hacer nada. Sí, estoy pensando en algo concreto y, aunque me lo podría aplicar perfectamente a mí mismo y hablar desde la experiencia, en este caso no estoy pensando en mí porque yo ya lo tengo asumido.

Pero cuando le das mucho valor a una persona, y haces todo pensando en sus reacciones, y controlas los horarios, entradas, salidas, gente con la que está, todo… cuando todo en tu vida gira en torno a la otra, y ves que esa otra persona no te da lo que crees que te mereces, entonces duele. Y cuando llega algun tipo/a idiota a querer meterse por medio, a intentar ocupar el sitio que crees que te corresponde (aunque tenga el mismo derecho que tú) simplemente porque tú llevas ahí más tiempo, y porque el tipo/a sólo quiere divertirse mientras que tú te lo tomas en serio, también duele. Y cuando la otra persona ve que no estás bien y se marcha sin darte más importancia, sin entender lo que pasa por tu cabeza, sin ni siquiera intentar entenderlo, también duele.
¿Por qué? Porque te sientes la persona más insignificante del mundo, porque todo el cariño, la buena intención y las ilusiones que tenías las ofreciste y no has recibido absolutamente nada a cambio, y te sientes tonto/a, e incluso, en ocasiones, hasta humillado/a al ver que para la persona que tan importante es para ti, tú no eres más que uno/a más… y eso con suerte. Y si recibes una palabra amable es simplemente porque sabe lo que hay y no quiere portarse mal contigo, por deuda o compromiso, diría, pero no por voluntad propia.

Y esa palabra amable la vemos como un signo perfecto que debe ser interpretado en todas sus dimensiones, en todos los aspectos, en el significante, en el significado, y demás… cuando no hay interpretación posible, cuando no hay nada de nada, pero simplemente lo hacemos para engañarnos porque no queremos ver la realidad. Buscamos justificaciones para seguir alimentando una ilusión que tenemos miedo que se acabe.
Pero sí es cierto que a veces la vida en estas cosas, y en otras, claro, pero en estas también, es bastante injusta. No es justo que alguien que se le quiere de la manera más bonita que existe (que es de manera desinteresada) , y ya digo, no sólo en las parejas (o posibles parejas), sino en otro tipo de relaciones, no es justo que tenga que pasarlo mal hasta el punto de llorar.

Una vez escribí que no valía la pena aquello que nos hiciera derramar una sola lágrima… visto lo visto, ya no estoy tan seguro de esa afirmación, y tal vez sí valga la pena. La Si bien es cierto esta sensación desagradable y esas lágrimas sí podrían llegar a ser bonitas porque con ellas te das cuenta de lo mucho que puedes llegar a querer y puedes descubrir sentimientos puros y verdaderos que ni siquiera sabías que existían. Y sí, en eso tiene razón, pero cuando eso se repite todos los días, entonces ya no es tan bonito. No, no es justo.

TE AMO PERO SOY FELIZ SIN TI, de Jaime Jaramillo.. la conclusion de este libro me enseño que todo lo ya escrito podriamos definirlo como derrota... (pero mas me suena a aprendizaje)

Segun este autor, nuestra felicidad no depende de otra persona sino de nosotros mismos. Amar no es depender... Amar es la entrega y el respeto del "yo" para formar un "nosotros" pero solo cuando los "yo" son dos entes completos y felices pueden complementarse para ser feliz en uno solo.

Osea la felicidad es cuestión de uno mismo y no necesitas de nadie mas para que la "felicidad" sea total y completa, creo que el ser feliz con alguien es solo un complemento, una parte que comparte cosas contigo.

Además creo que uno no puede dar lo que no tiene y muchas veces intentamos encontrar en el amor de otra persona la "felicidad" sin pensar en que solos debemos de aprender a encontrar esos pequeños destellos de felicidad que nos da la vida.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

don't give me faces,give me words.

I take it back, I do. Hollow. Empty. I am insecure of what I want to do, am I doing this right? He always tells me to stop being insecure, but I just don't know if this is right for me. I am not comfortable enough with my writing. I write because I enjoy writing, because it fulls me, but if it does how can I feel dead. How can I sense it so wrong? Ive felt uneasy on trying to find the right words for this. I have anxciety for words. I am going berserk with words, sentences, paragraphs, stories. I want something unused, but I wish it wasn't unfinished.

A sweaty day

Ive sweat so much today, all I can say is that Ive learned what sweat means. Today Ive walked, desperatly looking for a job; that I actually learned to love walking. Ive also learned that the simple things make us happy. Such as walking, listening to music, sweating and having the sun on your face, these simple little things that make you feel alive, climbing a tree and thinking.. I have legs! and arms! I sweat! I am alive!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

and just when I thought it was over...

Today I will say is the start of my day, and what I mean with today is 7:28 pm, today, when I begin to write this blog. Being in bed all morning and afternoon, no, I don't call that a day. My days have been filled with nostalgia. I still remember last July 19 when I said bye to my Grandma, her beautiful face filled with tears. I wished I could've been doing the same, but I couldn't because I didn't want to make a "see you later" seem like a goodbye. Oh Peru, my beautiful childhood, I wish I was there everyday, waking up to my Grandma's scream "breakfast is ready", singing every morning, and not minding the cold temperatures of my beautiful Lima. I know this is home now, and its been home for the passed years, but I don't seem to like the lonely feelings on Christmas day, or waking up to no one being home because they spend their times working to support themselves. I wonder if this is really what you called life.. I still remember my Dad's words, " lo mas valioso q puede tener el ser humano es paciensia y perseveransia"... Father I am still waiting.